How to recreate the Everest experience Tom Smith

A loyal reader has enquired why I have not commented on the Discovery Channel’s “Expedition on Everest“, an all-female attempt to scale that very popular mountain.  You can follow the link above to the Everest blog, to play the Everest game, and so on.

But you can take it further!  Here’s my suggestion for recreating the experience.
1.  Find a big meat freezer and set up a Step Mill inside of it.
2.  Take a massive dose of your favorite laxative and when it starts to kick in, take massive doses of Immodium to stop it.  You will feel sick.  That’s the point.
3.  Refrain from bathing for at least 2 weeks before any of this.
4.  And neglect your family and job for 6 months or so before that.
5.  Set up big industrial fans inside the meat locker.
6.  Start climbing.  Do this for for, oh, 10 sesssions of 20 hours each.  You may take 4 hour breaks between sessions, but do not sleep.  You may take stimulants to stay awake.  Place duct tape over your mouth and one nostril.
7.  You must have hired a friend to come in and beat you nearly to death with a tire iron if your pace slows to less than 5000 vertical feet every 3 hours.  Half to death because you must die slowly by freezing to death, after having suffered major blunt trauma, not quickly.  That would be cheating.
8.  Arrange to have 25 people or so walk by you in the event you are beaten and left to die.  These simulate fellow climbers.
9.  Capture all of this on film and arrange for somebody to write about how it is all worth while, adventure and all that, should you perish.  Post all of this with lots of photos on the web.
10.  You won’t feel like eating so don’t worry about food.